per aspera ad astra

I’ve got a friend, Kelsey. I’ve known her since we were five, first entered school, and we’ve been friends ever since. We’ve caused our fair share of chaos in our going-on-twelve-years of knowing each other, although in the past couple years I have certainly come to, despite being a generally angry-like and temper-having person, settled down and have taken responsibility for my life and actions. She, on the other hand, continues to act irresponsibly–and not just a little, just…entirely.

I entirely understand that most see teen years as a time to fuck off and experiment and the whole nine. For me, it isn’t, but that’s just because I’m an enigma, methinks. I was raised oddly and developed my outlook on things awfully quickly, while others are still in the formation of their own, which I obviously can’t fault them for. I don’t condemn those that do some exploration, but I try to keep those close to me from anything too crazy or anything dangerous. Unfortunately, as hard as I have tried to ultimately be the Voice of Reason in the minds of my friends, it always seems to be a waste of my breath, our time, etc. I try not to be terribly pushy or critical, because I understand that certain matters needed to be treated delicately, and I don’t really mean to alienate people.

However, when people do things that they know for a fact that I am, to put it politely, not very fucking fond of, and then proceed to boast these perceived “accomplishments” to me, do I get annoyed and less than nice. For example, I am very anti-drug. No, I’m not a sheeple about it, but I simply don’t like the things, and I do not want to be around them, and in general, I have found the majority who indulge to be undesirable folks. So, for a close friend to boast to me about how she snuck out to get high…well, doesn’t make me happy to hear. But after being cross over the issue and repeating my frustration, it gets irksome, and I begin to distance myself from them. It isn’t fair to myself to try to waste time and energy trying to instill common sense in someone whose mind selectively percolates. It is too frustrating for me…and I’ve decided that I’m too angry too often, so I’m trying to separate myself from the majority of issues that I know for a fact will make my blood boil.

Another thing is, regarding sex, I think my friends get the wrong signal(s) from me. I’m fairly comfortable and open–that is, I’m not ashamed to frankly discuss things. I don’t arbitrarily provide random gruesome details–with that aspect of my life. I sing the praises of a comfortable, safe, fulfilling sex life like it’s my damn job. This isn’t to boast [although, admittedly, I do boast about some stuff] but I feel as if they think that I am pressuring to hurry to advance the progression of their own, wherever it may be. And that was absolutely NOT what I meant to convey, something I iterated and reiterated… that such experiences ought to be shared with someone [at least] you know, trust, and care for.

Unfortunately, despite my harping re: that, a couple can’t seem to listen. Kelsey in particular.
Warning, mild TMI. Nothing graphic, of course, but still might be more than you care about. But this is my blog, rawr:
Kelsey lost her virginity over the Spring, in April. Apparently, she had fun. I know [and am acquainted with] the guy she lost it to, and I can vouch that he is a good guy, sensible enough to use protection, etc etc.
Not long after she slept with yet another mutual friend of ours. I also know this kid, and I know he’s a good person… but they didn’t use any protection. Which I, “rawr’d,” at them both for.
After prom, she slept with a friend of Jeremy’s. Now, I trust Jeremy’s judgment, and I’m sure if he himself was a sketchy guy that Jeremy would’ve been like, “er, not a great idea.” However, the fact remains that she, herself did NOT know this person, which, to me, screams irresponsible. They, too, did not wrap before the tap.
Now this one kill kill KILLS me. She was at the pool with another friend, and they met this couple of guys, and they all started talking. They ended up going to see a movie, and that night, she slept with one of them. She had met this person just a couple hours before, didn’t use protection, spent the night with him, etc.
She met some guy online and has been talking to him for a while. She claims to be enamored of him, ["He sings me Beatles songs!" she goes]. Although there wasn’t much to his credit that he wasn’t sketchy, she agreed to meet and spend the night with him in a hotel here. Again, not wrapped.
To my knowledge, she was fooling around with some random guy she met at work. I don’t know how far they got, but she claims that her judgment was clouded because they were hanging out while high, and he, “took advantage of the situation,” on which I call, “Bullshit!”

Imo, if you’re gonna be having sex, there’s no excuse not to use/obtain some form of protection…especially with the wondrous choice of all these partners, condoms needed to be a required part of the thing, especially for the people whose histories she couldn’t confirm. With all the ilk that can be acquired via that route these days, why would you not? And even if one is too foolish to do that, at least go for a contraceptive [spermicide..something]. I was simultaneously disgusted and worried, not mad at her, though–where would anger get me, or her, at that point?–but just didn’t even bother trying to say anything.

Crusading Kate decided that she wanted to take it upon herself to speak for both of us, which I didn’t give her leave to [speak on my behalf]. Previously, Kate had the grand idea to inform Kelsey’s mother of these goings-on, a piss-poor idea as far as I’m concerned, because I think that a lot of this behavior is an attention ploy and to lash out because of the way her mother treats her and all that. Telling her mother would cause only more issues and possibly cost us a friend. Only if it became life-threatening would I do that…at the moment, it is not.

However, Crusading Kate, in her talks with Kelsey from which I was ostensibly absent, conveyed the idea that I was very angry with Kelsey, and that I came to hate her, etc. Great, last thing I wanted. Apparently Kelsey called me hypocritical over my opinion of her surplus sex, saying that since I enjoy so much, that it is wrong to say that she can’t have hers, and she also testified to Kate that she has only slept with three guys, when I have very real evidence otherwise. First off, when I am with Jeremy, yes, there is lots of private-time had. However, it is, I think, a whole hell of a lot different when it is someone you love, trust, and are in a committed, healthy relationship with, and furthermore, with as little as we get to see each other, damn right we’re making the most of our time. I’ll admit, it was cold of me to not address the situation [esp. when I WANTED to], but I figured it would just cause more trouble. Guess not, since the less-than-six-months-ago-deflowered friend called me a hypocrite, even though she’s sought such things with more guys than the time [in months] she’s been deflowered. Eventually, Kelsey called me saying she needed to tell me something. First, though, I explained that I wasn’t angry, just highly concerned with her behavior as of late, and that if she continues on the path she’s on, she’s not really going to have a life to live, be that literally or metaphorically.

She then proceeds to tell me that she is five weeks pregnant, presumably with Alex’s [the one she met online's] baby…although there is really no proof of this, considering she had had sex with the previous guy not long before and was unprotected with him. Simultaneously, I found myself horrified, speechless, and even slightly amused. Admittedly, it was expected, but the train’s impact is so much greater when not just imagined, but felt. Speechless because, well, what does one say to that? And amused because, well…maybe, just maybe, she’ll learn something from the consequences of her actions.

Being the little pseudo-pro-lifer I am, I sincerely hopes she gets healthy [she claims to have stopped smoking/drinking, regardless of her ultimate decision] carries to term, and puts her baby up for adoption i the hopes that they will see a good home. Even if she had the resources, she is completely incapable of being a mother any time soon…she can’t even take care of herself, let alone a baby. She is too impatient, demands instant-gratification, temperamental, lazy, etc. to make a good mother.
Unfortunately, what will likely occur on the reality side of thing is that she will terminate the pregnancy. She’s too worried that a Juno-like thing would happen in which, once the child was born, she wouldn’t want to give it up [although Juno did, regardless], fall in love with it, and want to keep it…which she simply can’t. I truly dislike the idea of abortion being used as birth control, but…damn. I don’t really know what to say here.

Despite the fact that her poor conduct horrifies and saddens me, I can’t help feeling the way a loyal and dutiful friend ought, and assuring her that I’m there for her if she should need me…although in the times I’ve needed her, she’s seldom been there, negating her vows otherwise.