Mm kays.
I will now tell you the story of Katelynd and her mighty adventures of New Years Eve. Sit down everyone.
The night was dark but not dark enough. It was about 9:30ish before we set on our adventure. Alex, the heroic kick ass ninja, John , the galliant swordsman and myself, the hot warrior princess, decided it best not to wear our battlesuits. That way, we could fool the evil villian that calls himself Jesus Christ. (You’ll understand if you read on)
I tightened my bootstraps and nodded for Ninja Alex and Swordsman John to run on ahead. Alex turned around and shouted back, ” Holy shite! You better hurry up before Jaimie drinks all the Tia Maria and Vodka!” I honestly don’t know what he was going on about, since I never have had that before in my life. We thought it best to hide out in a pub called The Fleece. As we moved sheep out of our way, John ran into a familiar face… a fearsome face…
His father.
I turned my head away to notice several rowdy men playing pool. Alex put his nunchucks (which I like to call numbchucks) away and John kicked a sheep that stood on his foot. His father had a face that was scarred from battling the bartender and he told us to run on ahead to a pub called the Plough. He had a mate there that had some mercanary work for John. Before things become awfully awkward between us, John stole a fiver from his wallet and we ran like hell.
Kind of disturbed about my encounter with John’s dad, I said nothing. I then unsheathed my sword and commited seppuku. Alex’s Ninja powers were somewhat mystical and he revived me. We then went into the Plough to drain my misery with two Smirnoff Reds. Just as I was about to finish down the second, a peculiar lady came in. Obviously, she had a few too many. She came over to Alex and placed her aged hands over Alex’s “breasts”. She then told me that she would do the same to me, but thought it best not to as my breasts put hers to shame.
From that moment on, Alex was then known as (by her) Mr. Sexy. She asked me several questions, then gave me the words that were elixir to my ears. She said, “Go through life not saying a thing, be beautiful, stick your breasts out, marry a rich man, divorce him for his money, then buy an expensive dog to spend the rest of your life with.” Those words then became as valuable as the Dead Sea Scrolls.
As soon as she left, the bartender, stunned, exclaimed, “Who the f*ck was that?” The only thing that came to mind was, “My thoughts exactly.”
We left after John and Alex had a couple of pints of beer. To make our escape hasty and to dispel the owner from telling the treacherous and proposterious “Jesus Christ” our whereabouts, we mused the owner with riddles of drunken nonsense. We walked outside, the ground seemingly uneven. Before we knew it, we were in a pub called Oscars.
Scouting the area, we saw that we were safe and relaxed. Low and behold, Jaimie, the Tia Maria theif, was there!! I put him in a headlock and asked him to give me his drink before… before… well I can’t remember because it wasn’t that important. He handed me a drink that tasted fruitishly weird. After I finished that, rather slowly, John bought me a triple vodka and a sour apple shot. Alex met one of his battle mates, and for the love of god, I can’t remember his name. We asked Jaimie’s mate Johnny D the bard whereabout “Jesus” was.
Quisitically, he said, “This man you speak of, he is tall, big and drunk. He vanishes in the dark night and becomes nothing more than the fog you walk through. There are times during the day he can be seen in shadows. Myself, I have not seen it. But there are those, the nice and lesser village people that sing ‘YMCA’. They use body language that looks a bit like Y… M and C, A. ”
After a few more minutes of mindless jarble, we got to the conclusion that he didn’t know.
Jaimie the Theif and Johnny D the bard then led us to a place that is suspiciously called ‘The Hairy Lemon’.
As we walked in, we eyed the room to see there wasn’t a ‘Christ’ in sight. However, we found a few more shots of vodka! There were people wall to wall, people that I’ve never seen. I was amazed at how happy everyone was. And how clumsy. I then decided, I thought it best to guard the men’s bathroom door. I saw that drink made me useless as men tripped and jumped over me to get to the bathroom.
Unfortunately, there were no casualities. And no preposterious Jesus.
… to be continued
