Well.. today was fun.. Started with a complete panic at 5am which was resolved at 9.30 with a phone call. Discovered where the breakdown in communication has been these last 5 years so maybe everything will be good now. I hope they don’t do the “we will have to refer you back into the system” crap.. because it’s not my fault I got left out in the first place.
They had my old address on file, which is a lame excuse because I have a letter here addressed to me at my current address from after the date of my last appointment.. which I will be happy to provide if they try that one. My only fault has to take them on their word, and wait to be contacted…
Maybe I should have chased them up earlier, but honestly the last five years have been pretty up in the air and I have come so far in them that I wouldn’t want to turn the clock back and do anything differently. I hope I can make them understand that perhaps 5 years ago I wasn’t ready.. I was still rather unsure of myself and very confused and lost. It could have been a big mistake because looking back on the last years it’s only really in the last 12 months that things have clicked and I have moved forwards to being a full person capable of making it in the world. They may have been ready for me, but I don’t think I was ready for them.. and even now, if they put me through the hell for two more years that will be fine because every day I’m stronger and better at surviving in the big bad world.
Now what brought all of this on… well it’s a stupid lump of discrimination mixed up in the immigration laws.. You have to prove you are UK born or have the right to be here. That’s fine in principle, but what happens when you don’t have a passport or a driving license and the only other ID employers will accept are a birth certificate and some other stuff. No problem?.. well what if the name on all your current ID and documents doesn’t match your birth certificate? Correct.. well and truly stuffed.
It means that I can’t get any more than temporary employment, and even then only for shady businesses who employ illegal immigrants on less than legal rates of pay. That’s not good, because there are never any health and safety rules followed or insurance or anything in those places. The only way to get the document I need is to get two letters from medical professionals.. ridiculous seeing as my GP has never actually met me and will be one of those writing a report or letter for me. My consultant isn’t on the “approved” state list either, and that’s what spurred me into action yesterday. I need to see him to get things kickstarted and back on the road.
I’m really quite anxious about all of this, as you can probably tell. It’s not something I should ever have had to deal with, and it only actually applies to people like me. It’s a form of discrimination, and a pretty vile one at that. It either puts us through hell chasing a document which should have been provided through the health service automatically when it became a requirement, or it pushes us into a dangerous world of illegal work, or it makes us expose ourselves to risk of discrimination and hate crimes in legitimate workplaces by forcing us to produce documents we would rather not have to show at all and relying on trust between us and the personnel or human resources department to keep their mouths shut to the rest of the workplace.

All in all.. I’m not happy, but I’m strong and I will get through this awkward time.

Now maybe people will start to see why I have a problem with people who use words like “that’s fucking gay” to describe something… grrrrrrrrrrr.

It’s been a good week. Some reassuring events and some frankly incredible insights into the world I live in.

I want to talk about a lot of things, and the time has come to be a lot more open about what is going on and how things are changing. By that I don’t mean changing inside me, but changing in the way the world will have to get used to me. I’m moving forward again and certain things need to happen. This is the problem with being a quite high profile person.. the price you pay for being a little of a celebrity with huge friends lists and a one time high profile presence. Knowing that the rest of this is probably going to sound really odd.
I have had enough of lurking in corners, but at the same time I’m not really sure who I trust. It isn’t just something that can be thrown into a public space without a lot of soul searching. Do I have the confidence to carry this with my friends?. Total strangers and on the streets is one thing, around people who know me in person is another. That isn’t a problem as they can put up or shut up. My life is so far outside anything which most people would consider “normal” that it’s frankly off the scale..Losing a “friend” over something like this just shows up who are or are not your friends. Big deal.. I lost my family over this more than 20 years ago, so I can deal with the loss of a few “friends” That was probably my fault too. I didn’t handle the situation properly. I was young and determined and clearly remember saying in anger “Well if that’s how you want to be, and those are your conditions, then stuff the lot of you”.. And that was that.. No more family. Looking back it was totally the wrong way to deal with it, but it wasn’t something that I was prepared to compromise over any more. Enough of my life had been miserable by that time trying to be who they wanted me to be, and failing at every step… Who the hell are you supposed to be if you aren’t allowed to be yourself?
I’m lucky in one way that my way of hurting myself for being “wrong” was to drop into the counter culture of drugs and squatters and shady scummy people, rather than cutting or suicide which takes so many people like me. I just wrecked my life and prospects because I was so hurt and lost…..
Warning.. some brutal self honesty follows…
So from 16 right up until last week I have still been down that hole.. I misguidedly thought I had broken out 7 years ago (or 10 years ago when I first really talked to somebody in a position to help) but I was wrong. What I was doing was for the first 60% of my adult life I was still trying to conform to the standards of my parents.. the people I had thrown aside because I could never be who they wanted. I thought I was doing what I needed to do, but really I was only going through the motions while hurting every day.. subconsciously still trying to conform to their imposed rules.. and it made me very unhappy.
10 years ago I decided to do something real about it. To get out of the hole. I made a concerted effort to become the person I am and not the construct that was overlaid from my childhood. Sadly that person was so deeply buried that I didn’t know any more who they were. I was like a stranger living in some other persons life. A couple of years of that was more than enough so I got right out.. out of the situation, away from all the people and into a different town.. Once that step was done I made a final concerted effort to find me.. It hasn’t been easy to lose the conditioned behaviour of a lifetime, in fact it’s been really hard .. harder than anything I have ever done or believed I could take on, I’m a bloody coward eh?.. It’s worked.. last week was the trigger that was needed.. Inside I was still fighting against the old programming when I had in reality beaten it outwardly completely. I have spent something like 5 years snatching defeat from the jaws of victory It took a revelation on a station to snap the difference between the outside skin and the inner me into the whole person.
Now you might be asking what this has to do with anything, and rightly so.. It’s my inner musings and not much more you think?.. well heres the cruncher. Can how you feel on the inside effect how people perceive and respond to the outer person? Does it matter if how you are outwardly doesn’t reflect how you are inside.. I’m trying to say.. can people tell the difference between somebody who is a whole or somebody who is split between inner and public?.. I think they can, and their perceptions of you and their responses to you vary accordingly. I’m not saying they are conscious of why that is.. I think humans have a lot of perceptions and senses which they aren’t aware of that alter how they respond to and even see another person. Since becoming one person not a “me” and a “skin” it’s been a lot easier. Only time will tell, but it feels to my alarms that with a lot of people who both know me or don’t that “tolerance” has become either not seeing at all or “acceptance” if they do happen to see.
Its a subtle change in the way people react.. I’m very alert to how people respond. I’m very aware of the difference between tolerance (she’s whatever but I can put up with that. I won’t say anything.. I can cope even if I don’t like) and acceptance (she might be whatever.. but that’s up to her and I don’t care, she is ok) and the difference in the subconscious signals they send out.
It’s a huge difference though, and to somebody who isn’t me it’s probably not thought of as important.. if they have even noticed the difference. To me it just makes things a lot easier, and it helps them too. If being a whole person without internal nervous conflict against my perceptions of inside me and the outward me makes this much difference… and I found on Saturday it makes a hell of a difference.. then another major obstacle on the road has been passed. Just be me.. stop trying so hard to be what I think people will accept because it’s easier to just be me right through from the inside to the reflection in the mirror.. wow.. It was going to be a small post.

Welcome to the other side of the looking glass Alice

I’m not 100% sure quite what I want to say, so I’m just going to ramble and see where it goes.

For the last 4 or 5 years I have been living in what feels like a void. Suddenly something snapped inside and the path out of the darkness became clear. Maybe it was looking at myself in the mirror and seeing just how much I have come on over the last few years, or maybe a deeper drive due to a self imposed choice to up the pace and get on. It’s about time I got with it really. Far too easy to sit back and let the world go and watch from a distance. That’s not the way. Not any more.
The time has come to get out there and do it. Get on and finally achieve the goals I set another life ago. This is my statement of intent if you like.. My manifesto for change. It’s time to get to where I always should have been and not let any of the inconsequential little things hold me back. Nothing else matters now.

Coming out of 10 years of depression is strange, finding the drive I had lost and being a slave to it again. It all started with seeing myself in a mirror and it clicked. I have come a long way.. I’m not failing, it’s jut my self perception of the achievements so far that is lacking. Outwardly I am what I should be, and suddenly the inside has realised that and kicked back into gear. It’s time to get with it and demand to be heard. No more waiting. The time has come to push for the real goal..

I know 99% of people reading this don’t have the first idea what the hell I’m on about, but that doesn’t matter. One person I value and care about will understand, and that’s all that is important.

Rapidly circling the drain of becoming just another broadcast medium for big business and state control, can we allow our internet to become just another content controlled and filtered method of selling and brainwashing? Understanding the terms and methods is important in our ongoing struggle against totalitarianism and a “soviet” internet.

read more | digg story

Routine journeys carried out by millions of British motorists can be monitored by authorities in the United States and other enforcement agencies across the world under anti-terrorism rules introduced discreetly by Jacqui Smith.

read more | digg story

Surprise surprise.. I’m back again with my almost yearly installment of nothing much going on.

Nothing new to add from the new year post really, same old same old.
Just really wanted to say “I miss all you guys from the forums.. get your bums on irc sometime so we can all catch up.” and that kind of thing..
/me spams the xiii channel

Hmmm.. I didn’t have anything when I started so I will shut up now, was going to have a play with the widgets and whatnot but I can’t be bothered now..

Well it looks like another year is over. It’s been up and down to be brutally honest. Ended quite well, with a far more positive attitude for the future than last year.
Learned lots of cool new things. Built my own site, and it was good until the hardware decided it had seen better days and gave up the ghost. It’s still working, and doing good service back in it’s more usual role of network file and print server, but the demands of serving a website and forums to the world was too much for it’s tired 10 year old ass.. looolz

What else.. hmmm.. didn’t really have a structure when I started, so I’m just going to ramble on for a bit.

Gave up with console repairs earlier.. about march.. the new gen consoles are not the fun of the older ones.
Took a more pro-active role within the irc communities than I had previously, helping on the debian helplines and generally making a nuisance of myself everywhere else.
Lots of work with dvd ripping and copying with linux.. nothing illegal just using the existing playback decryption tools and codecs to enable the bypassing of even the most complicated copy protection.. the cracking of the psl file dumping was a notable first.. nearly got me in trouble, so don’t go looking for info about how to do it.. I took it all away.
Came close to getting shut down completely in April after a major panic with a dvd ripper I was involved with.
Summer was mostly spent on the coding of my website, with a few nice days out to Mancheater and Liverpool.

Since about October it’s all gone rather quiet.. just the recurring server maintenance contracts and a few pc builds. Haven’t been to see any bands this year.. oh hang about.. forgot the Bolton Metal Alliance huge thing.. That was pretty good, but because of the vast alcohol intake I don’t remember much about it.. soould be able to find the date for that.. It was the last night anybody was allowed to smoke inside anywhere. When I find a flyer maybe a scan and post somewhere…

Ongoing projects? Currently working on a minimal linux desktop system installation with all GUI applications. Restricted to the old hardware having 32MB ram.. so far there is a nice browser, irc and im apps, a burner (not happy with that one.. it is very slow) text and programming editors and a very simple photo/paint editor.. Installation iso currently runs in at 11mb, and with everything running takes around 16mb. Should be bloody great on those really ancient p2 laptops that run windows 95

Well there we have it. Looks like the end of an era for the forums so I thought a blog would be a good idea.

Best wishes to anybody who reads this.. and a

VERY HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2008 TO ALL XXX XD

Ever  had one of those days when you want to kill the postman. Everything was sailing along sort of fine and whammo…My thieving landlord is now determined to stop me eating all in the name of profit. How am I supposed to find another £50 a month.. That’s an increase in my rent of £155 a month in the last year. It wouldn’t be so bad if he had actually done something about the broken heating, the condemned wiring and the leaking roof, but he hasn’t. Fuck it.. I just give up. If I leave there will be either a gas leak or a major electrical fault. The bastard has bled me of cash this year so that I am at the point of not having enough money to move. With all this and being ill I don’t know where to turn any more. I heard a good and dark thing tonight on some film or other. “death is a road we all have to take someday, yet it’s not the end..just a different path. Then this grey rainswept world clears and becomes silver light” or something like that.

I was hoping a friend was going to come and stay for a while next week, but now it seems not. I’m feeling very isolated and alone here. Maybe they will come soon, but if not I don’t know what I will do. It’s hard to say that you need somebody, but I have no family and very few friends (actually in this town I have no friends).. Notice the time again. It’s always very early morning when I post.. I’m back in the darkness where I hide from everything. Maybe I’ll have another attempt at sleeping, I had to get out of bed because I was crying on my own in the dark, and after 2 hours of that I really had enough of it. I’m not sure what I was so upset about. Maybe I should have another attempt at seeing my useless doctor, the one who makes me wait 6 weeks for an appointment, or perhaps another attempt like last time that actually resulted in getting to talk to somebody about the way I’m feeling and what I can do to try and get out of this hole!! Nah..forget it..can’t be bothered. It didn’t help anything last time so this time isn’t going to be any different.

Theres a first. I have a spam comment from some car insurance company with no comment. They hit my email tho..

There’s no comment to go with it. That’s strange too.

I can’t even put the damn spammers details in here so we can all spam them back. Never mind.. I’ll post them on the spambot site I’m a member of instead.

Nobody looks here anyway so…At least the spammers can be bothered. Sad for them.. I don’t own a car..they lose.

Ever have one of those days.. You wake up and though you can’t put your finger on it something is just not quite right? Well I’ve had close on 4 weeks of it. I’m seriously starting to think that the real world has drifted off and left me in somebody’s messed up nightmare. Earlier today I was repairing a heavy piece of domestic equipment and put down a large spanner I was using.. I use the word with caution.. more like “attempting to use” and it just vanished. I didn’t go away from where I was working. I didn’t even move from the spot, but when I went to pick it up again it just wasn’t there.. Gone! Vanished as if it had never existed. This is only one of many strange happenings recently that are starting to question my view of reality. Sitting here earlier there was a large bang in the other room. Of course I live alone so I have to investigate. A large thing that has been sitting on the floor for the last 6 months minding it’s own business has taken it upon itself to fall over. Not that strange? Well seeing as the item in question is a 4×12 speaker cabinet I think it’s at least a little unusual. I’m either living in an alternate reality or I have a poltergeist. Maybe I’ll wake up and find it’s a dream. I know what dreams feel like and this isn’t right for that. To start with I’m sitting at my computer with the desk lamp on so there is direct light. Ever noticed in dreams how the light always comes from somewhere else, like an open door or through a partly obscured window? And it’s too hot and uncomfortable.. Not dreamlike at all, apart from all the strange goings on.

Maybe Rod Sterling will step out of the wardrobe after I go to sleep and do his piece to camera as he always did back in the classic days. I’ll have to get my webcam working and leave it running when I go to bed. Then at least I will have any evidence of funny goings on while I am asleep. It’s worrying me about that huge box falling over earlier. They don’t do things like that on their own volition.. It’s so heavy I usually just drag it about if I need to move it, so for it to decide to do something all by itself concerns me very greatly….

As for the other strange happenings. A whole week before my monthly rent was due to be paid I had a letter saying my rent for July was £XXX.. I had only paid £XXX (the same amount) and could I pay the outstanding amount immediately! I took that to a legal man who informed me that if I wanted to be funny about it it was legal proof that I had paid a months rent in full for a period which at that point I did not even have a tenancy agreement to cover. It wasn’t an auto generated letter either.. It had been typed and signed by a staff member I have met on more than one occasion.. Strange.

Really, I don’t know what to think of the last few weeks. Very weird.