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this reflection, part II

For the past week, I’ve been visiting various people around the country en route to a wedding. It’s been an interesting journey considering today is my last day before the start of my last year in a particular decade of this life.

I’m not much for the stereotypical existential hand-wringing “I’m not married/pregnant/home-owning yet but all my friends are/why don’t I have x,y,z things, etc.” I know those things all come at different times for everyone. I have a job I dislike, but it’s in the profession I love, in a field I’m devoted to, and I find enough fulfillment in it to keep me going until the wisest time to leave. I have made a difference to a few people’s live already. I have supportive colleagues in high places who respect me as a peer and are honest in their support with no ulterior motives. I have a boyfriend who respects and cares about me deeply and pushes me to allow myself the things he thinks I deserve, which is always more than I think.

And I have tremendous friends. I could not be more grateful for them, and this whole trip of seeing friends, family, and friend-family have really cemented that. What better way to close out a decade than a week of feeling completely loved? continue reading »

April 17 2015 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on this reflection, part II

this reflection

Well, it’s officially been over a year since I wrote here. It wasn’t on purpose, and I’m a bit sad about it though I’ve still been updating the booklist page. I didn’t abandon this place altogether: I’ve been writing in other cyberspaces, and each place seems to have become vaguely focused on different purposes. This one is more or less where I write things related – if even peripherally or indecipherably (Yes, I know I do that.) – to my career and the arts. And before it appears that I’m writing less because I’m losing interest or motivation or have stagnated, I’ve actually just been continuously and consciously withdrawing from online presences. Or perhaps I’m trying to keep my cards as close as possible to my chest. Call me distrustful: I don’t mind. On the other hand, I did also record a video blog for an orchestra musicians’ resource site all last year about my career, which is probably another reason I wasn’t writing much here.

All the same, what cannot be denied is that I’m really grateful to X for maintaining this quiet little corner of the Internet so that I might still ramble now and then on…things.


The week before Christmas, RM and I took a rather spontaneous trip to New York. We impulsively decided to embark after reading the [New York Times review] of Douglas Gordon and Hélène Grimaud’s tears become… streams become… I booked non-refundable tickets for the Park Avenue Armory that very evening, and then there was no turning back. continue reading »

April 15 2015 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on this reflection

there are the times

Now and then, the time comes around when a good cry is not only a good idea but probably required.  However, it becomes a bit of a  problem is when it can’t be achieved just yet.

The future holds no real promises; we can only try our best with the decisions we’ve made or that have been made for us.

Apparently, I haven’t grown at all.

December 29 2013 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on there are the times


Here is a post, just to say that I haven’t forgotten this space.

September 26 2013 | waffle | Comments Off on intrinsics

a conversation

A conversation, based off of seeing only the third Michael Bay Transformers movie and none prior:

Me: why are there no female Transformers?

Him:  I would think that giant alien robots would be genderless
but they are identified as “male” because the toys were marketed to boys
a “female” transformer wouldn’t sell
because, you know
fights and stuff
she wouldn’t be tough

she would just be kidnapped over and over again

Me: ………

Him: also, what would she transform into?
a purse?

April 01 2013 | musings and waffle | Comments Off on a conversation

trends, again

Of the two books I’ve read in the past five days, both were written by men named “David”, describe acts of marijuana shotgunning, and also numerous instances of listening to Kate Bush, who, I might mention, also made an appearance in my conscious world via the Olympics Closing Ceremony yesterday.

Am I ok?

August 14 2012 | music and musings and words | 1 Comment »


for the mood: steps for recovery

+ [Cocktail] – Hysteric Blue

+ [No Way] – Galactic featuring lateef the truth speaker

+ [Pas à Pas] – Paris Combo

+ [Prelude] – Nobuo Uematsu featuring Risa Ohki
– from the Final Fantasy: Love Will Grow vocal album
– “I think they put [this] style under ‘End World Wars’ in the CD store” – [Tim Yarbrough]

August 10 2012 | music | Comments Off on untitlement

a part of a thing

A year is quite a curious marker of time. When said, it sound so short, yet so much happens in that time span. For instance, it’s interesting to think that three years ago, I was still performing and considerably invested in video game music. Now, all my energies are ensconced in the classical music scene–which the video game band was based in, but could also arguably be defined as the “foundation” of my life.

In the past, this blog has chronicled my challenging (challenged? I hope not.) pursuit of an ensemble librarianship career; and while this continues to progress, the more recent fact is that the end goal is apparently still a bit of a mysterious career, and an even more mysterious career choice. I’m still not entirely sure my parents or friends know what it is exactly that I do. Attending the annual orchestra library conference is akin to therapy; I am surrounded for three/four days by people who understand exactly – if not more so – what I deal with in the workplace. The lack of understanding not only by laymen but oftentimes the very organization for which this position is essential can be, well, trying.

Yet, last night, on the last day of camp, amidst many gracious thanks, a tearful teenage girl who works part-time as an orchestra librarian for a local ensemble told me that I was an “inspiration.”

No one has ever called me that before. I hope she isn’t mistaken.  But her words remind me more vividly than anything in recent memory of why we do what we do despite the relative lack of comprehension: as many seasoned professionals of the field will quip, this is not a profession for those who seek fame or fortune. We do this because we not only love it, but we believe in it. No complaint is truly that serious. It’s a genuine labor of love, just as much as it is for those who perform from the music I prepare, and the small things are what keep us going, in more ways than one. A simple “thank you” can fuel the fires for months; a box of chocolates can keep a library happy for even more.

Who knows what the next year will bring. But I know that I’m not deviating from this path anytime soon. And I told the girl to work hard too, so we could meet again someday, as colleagues.

August 06 2012 | music and musings and travels | Comments Off on a part of a thing

happy, or something like that

Happy belated birthday, as per usual, to my darling pocket universe. In my defense, I was thinking all day of this site the day of the birthday itself. But, as per usual again, the day became too busy for constructing a worthy post.

This site has chronicled many significant instances and whatnot of my life, but the more open things become online, the less inclined I am to share anything at all. I still have the Twitter, I don’t have Facebook anymore, I still have that very silly orchestra library Tumblr…and life is, for the most part, simpler and vibrant. But, with much that is still missing – that I am still working to achieve – I’m just that much more reluctant to report on anything.

And then hopefully, someday soon, I’ll have something truly worth reporting, for both me and you.

July 24 2012 | musings | 1 Comment »

don’t give yourself away

There are a few ways to know that I’m upset:

– I avoid people.
– I actually get drunk.
– I start blogging again…either here or somewhere else.

May 19 2012 | waffle | 1 Comment »

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