Nothing is as it should be.  We’ve been strong before.

for the mood:  A past one.
tracks: 

+ [The Man That Got Away] – Judy Garland

+ [They Can't Take That Away from Me] – Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

+ [I Wish You Love] – Natalie Cole

+ [Dancing Cheek to Cheek] – Fred Astaire

+ [Here and Heaven] – Stuart Duncan, Yo-Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, Aoife O’Donovan, Chris Thile

The shadows try to hide me, and myopia prevents certainty about your gaze.   I’m charging into the future so someday you’ll see me as your equal, at least.  But for you, I am stepping back as gracefully as I can – part III.

for the mood: withdrawal and paper procrastination
tracks: 

+ [Even if I Don't] – Rachael Yamagata

+ [Fire Fly] – Childish Gambino (warning: explicit lyrics)

+ [Pretend I Don't Exist] – Melody Gardot

+ [Hang On Little Tomato] – Pink Martini

This is the life I have chosen for myself.  I’d better get at it.

It’s still July 20th somewhere on this planet.

Another birthday passes by for little pocket universe – always on the mind, but never quite as cared for as it should be.

Greetings from Massachusetts, where I am attending the Tanglewood Music Center.  It’s been a very long day, a very busy time here thus far.

So for now, just a happy birthday.

Let’s get back to roots.

Lately, in my pursuit of professional librarianship, a few interests which defined my adolescence were inevitably left to the side: video games, anime, drawing, science fiction novels – to name a few.  If necessary, I can still participate in conversations regarding the topics (After all, I still have that cheeky little [band]…), though at the moment, time previously devoted to their upkeep is now placed towards career efforts: staying updated on issues and news in the orchestral/operatic/theatrical world, whatever library theory I can find, the occasional attempt to figure out copyright laws, trying to familiarize myself with entire catalogues of certain composers – again, to name a few.

Musically, my focus has also shifted a bit, but the not-so-recent animated films How to Train Your Dragon and The Secret of Kells have reawakened a film music creature in me.  However instead of wanting to be one of the musicians heard performing these scores, as per previous aspirations, I find myself wishing to just see and possibly examine them (and then, of course, prepare the parts.)  My primary inspiration derives from the stunning density of these score cues, and I am incredibly curious how they’ve all been put together.  These two specific tracks below have fascinated me for a few months now with their balanced intricacies and the juxtaposition of meaningful motifs and themes.  The technique is nothing new to music or composition, but when done skillfully, it’s still a mesmerizing effect.

+ [The Book of Kells] – The Secret of Kells, scored by Bruno Coulais
- While the entire piece is quite evocative, I keep the section starting at 3:11 on repeat.  The layers created by the gradual participation of multiple instruments with the initial violin and harp is simply beautiful.  And I do love a good counterpoint (3:46.)

+ [See You Tomorrow] – How to Train Your Dragon, scored by John Powell
- A few years back, a friend and I were on a long drive between some states.  His iPod shuffled onto a now-forgotten song, but its introduction and lead-in were so intriguing that we looped the first few seconds of the song dozens of times, just trying to dissect its very details using only our ears.  The first eight seconds of this cue remind me exactly of that one extraordinarily and hilariously super-dorky moment.  So much is happening in that tiny amount of time!  While the remainder of the cue is done in fairly broad and thematically recognizable strokes, it is no less enjoyable.  On a side note: the entire score to this film sounds like it was tremendous fun to play.  The pennywhistle players must have been having an especially grand time.

Earlier in May, I had the incredible fortune of touring the BBC Music Library located in White City, West London.  There, Head Librarian Peter Linnitt oh-so-excitedly and graciously allowed me to view and slip through a few pages of the actual scores used in the acclaimed BBC production of Pride and Prejudice, starring Colin Firth.

If you’re swooning right now, it’s totally okay.  It’s apparently the current worldwide Pavlovian response to anything associated with the words “Colin Firth.”

Absolutely regretful shyness prevented me from investigating these scores further, but their setup did seem fairly complicated.  I’m sure people from [JoAnn Kane], for example, could really tell me how to work with the particular demands of these film music sets…  Until then, I just may have rely on my silly and questionably dependable, but appreciative, ears.

The meaning of life just might be in the key of B-flat Major.  Specifically in Beethoven’s Piano Trio, Op. 97 (“Archduke”), especially if performed by du Pre, Zukerman, and Barenboim.

Staring out the window at some nature (instead of completing homework!) while listening also helps.

Back in Miami, one of my favorite pastimes was to choose someplace with a window that served caffeinated drinks, typically a cafe of some sort (though never a Starbucks), and just sit in it.  My only company would be a book or some homework, maybe some bowings that needed marking; other times it might have been the shifting environment of people, servers, and sparse nature (It is Miami, after all.)  By no means a unique activity, a dear friend nonetheless often affectionately commented on and was bemused by my habit, which always extended to any city I was staying in for  prolonged period of time.  Namely, she would point out its essential solidarity.  But when she herself began to go through a particularly trying personal period,  I couldn’t come up with any decent suggestions for finding some quick inner peace except finding a cafe and haunting it for a bit.

Today brought another rejection in an absurdly long losing streak, and this one, by far, has hurt the most.  I don’t feel like I have many chances left, if any.  Recovery is not one of my strengths.  To feel like my beloved profession and world is closing me off is approaching insanity.  My next bid will likely suffer if the all-consuming uncertainty is not destroyed.  While I’m lucky to be in a safe place, timeline-wise, safe is not the same as desired.   I am terrible at accepting my failures and words which tell me  I am not “strong” enough, not “good” enough.  Here is a textbook moment of flailing.

I thought back to the cafes.  When I was there, I was exactly where I wanted to be in all respects, and nothing told me I could not be there.   I functioned and, with the purchase of coffee or somesuch drink, was a part of the functioning environment.  And so I would keep going back.  If I can’t believe in myself, it doesn’t matter how much or how many others believe in me.

I need to get out more.

transplanted and unedited from the Wikipedia entry “Glossary of Musical Terminology” [link]

con affetto: with affect (that is, with emotion)
con amore, or (in Spanish and sometimes in Italian) con amor: with love, tenderly
con anima: with feeling
con brio: with spirit, with vigour
con dolore: with sadness
con forza: with force
con (gran, molto) espressione: with (great, much) expression
con fuoco: with fire, in a fiery manner
con larghezza: with broadness; broadly
con moto: with motion
con slancio: with enthusiasm

for the mood: unusual nostalgia -  realizing it’s just as good as you had once thought.   You may or may not be happy it is this way.  This all may or may not be surprising.
tracks: (all files uploaded onto zshare.net. Music is rightful property of the artists. I don’t own any of these…Please buy their music and support them)

+ [Edge of Life] – fra-foa
- Mikami Chisako’s performance in this song has always been impressive.  Sorry the song quality is so low though.  In some listens, all I hear is GUITAR (which is nice when you’re doing homework…)

+ [Shiki] – w-inds
- Oh hush up.  This was the stuff that was tailor-made to make sixteen-year-old girls feel better (and keep them listening to [Arashi] in their twenties…)

+ [Oh Yeah] – The Subways
- pure fun.

The performance librarian profession is a tricky little animal.  There is no formal degree and only two orchestras in the United States which have specifically designed library fellowship positions.  Therefore, those who actively seek work in the profession have very limited educational options.  Earlier this month, I traveled to three major U.S. cities in hopes of educating and networking with those who are already well established in this field.  Hundreds of photos, thousands of minutes, eight pages of handwritten notes, twenty handouts, two new pairs of shoes, one coat, living on two streets named “Pine” in two different cities and one two-page booklist later, I daresay it has at least been an eventful time (And yes, I learned TONS.)  Alongside meeting professionals, I was able to see and spend time with close friends again.  The icing on the cake is when each friend lives in an incredible city, each with a major orchestra.

The current state I live in is a purported hellhole for the classical music business.  Culture is decidedly dead.  To balance my unbelievable happiness of traveling and learning was my intense jealousy for my hosts.  Every one of them was surrounded by an incredible multitude of culture, if not actively involved in it.  In between the various masterclasses, lessons, workshops and meetings, there was a little tour of the United States to be found.  The United States can really be a pretty amazing place sometimes.

The first stop was St. Louis, where the symphony orchestra is so beloved by its audience that only a musician with a heart of steel could be immune to the joy from the SLSO audience.  David Robertson’s radiant energy simply illuminates the stage, the orchestra, the music, and the audience.  The orchestra and its audience is nothing short of a community.  I would also like to take this opportunity to declare that the SLSO French Horn section is absurdly perfect.  In later days, my feet nearly fell off from walking through Forest Park, stopping in the History Museum and most of the zoo.  The zoo is fabulous – especially the penguin exhibit where an Emperor penguin splashed me, dooming me to smell of fish for the remainder of my afternoon visit.

Next was Chicago, a city I have always loved, with the main agenda of attending the [MOLA] workshop at Northwestern University.  But there were so many libraries to visit!  And I only got through two of them.  At the Newberry Library, the librarian who was graciously showing me around smiled at my frustrations and pretty much confirmed that so far as cultural cities went, Chicago was a pretty hard one to beat.  She could have been smug about this, but she was instead genuinely proud.  I would have envied her if she hadn’t been so nice.

That same night, I watched the Lyric Opera of Chicago perform Bizet’s Carmen from the very last row of the gorgeous opera house.  Even from that treacherous spot, there was no question regarding the level of skill at which the musicians performed.   Don Jose’s “Flower Aria” was particularly beautiful, and its resulting ovation stopped the opera for a good 30 seconds.  Only a few days earlier, I had heard the Chicago Symphony Orchestra breeze through Beethoven’s Symphony No. 3.  My St. Louis hostess declared that Chicago culture was spoiling me (I had also gone to the Art Institue the day before – after having met the luthier who crafted my beloved violin – but only managed to view about 20% of the entire museum.  Also, leaves in Millennium Park were changing color and causing me conflicting emotions.)

Then it was off to Philadelphia.  My host there lived in the Historic District, if that gives you any idea how lucky HE was: literally five doors down (or so) from a beautiful plaza with restaurants, coffee shops, stores, a historic firehouse, three blocks from the riverside, and surrounded pretty much on all sides by historic churches and cemeteries.  Half a mile would get you to Washington Square; another half mile or so got you to City Hall and the Masonic Temple.  The Kimmel Center (where Brahms and the Philadelphia Orchestra made sweet sweet love to our ears) was also within walking distance.  We had walked back after the concert, through Center City, with my host pointing out significant places nearly every second.  Every person and place was interesting.  I had sorely missed having conversations like the ones that took place in Philadelphia.

My main motivation in visiting this city was to take a class with the former Head Librarian of the Philadelphia Orchestra and perhaps the one guy who is a viable “celebrity” for performance librarians.  He also suggested a visit to the [Fleisher Collection] at the Free Library of Philadelphia, a true hidden treasure of the musical world.  With approximately 250,000 scores in the collection, there is all too much to discover between those shelves (including a former colleague from undergrad who now works there!)  The afternoon was effectively killed walking back in the direction of the apartment, thus taking me through the central park that lead to City Hall, the Masonic Temple, and all the lovely in between.  My host and I visited the gardens behind the Art Museum later that night after an unsuccessful attempt to locate an art installation of interactive lights along the Schuylkill River.  The architecture and weather everywhere was gorgeous.

My brain struggled to process the thought of leaving, of not having anything to experience and absorb.  It was painful.

After having my luggage lost on my return flight home, then experiencing on the first venture out after my return both a group of octogenarians in a medical waiting room unanimously gripe about how “terrible” this state is added to the lack of Kick-Ass 2 in my local bookstore on its release date, I’m pretty sure it was a terrible decision to get off the road.  But coming back just in time for my parents’ 30th anniversary certainly lessened the blow.