There must be a better way to do this.

Is crying a biological imperative?   Maybe just getting things out of your eyes.

Nothing is as it should be.  We’ve been strong before.

for the mood:  A past one.
tracks: 

+ [The Man That Got Away] – Judy Garland

+ [They Can't Take That Away from Me] – Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

+ [I Wish You Love] – Natalie Cole

+ [Dancing Cheek to Cheek] – Fred Astaire

+ [Here and Heaven] – Stuart Duncan, Yo-Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, Aoife O’Donovan, Chris Thile

The shadows try to hide me, and myopia prevents certainty about your gaze.   I’m charging into the future so someday you’ll see me as your equal, at least.  But for you, I am stepping back as gracefully as I can – part III.

for the mood: withdrawal and paper procrastination
tracks: 

+ [Even if I Don't] – Rachael Yamagata

+ [Fire Fly] – Childish Gambino (warning: explicit lyrics)

+ [Pretend I Don't Exist] – Melody Gardot

+ [Hang On Little Tomato] – Pink Martini

This is the life I have chosen for myself.  I’d better get at it.

He translated his previous words to “You have beautiful eyes.” and I laughed.

Let’s get back to roots.

Lately, in my pursuit of professional librarianship, a few interests which defined my adolescence were inevitably left to the side: video games, anime, drawing, science fiction novels – to name a few.  If necessary, I can still participate in conversations regarding the topics (After all, I still have that cheeky little [band]…), though at the moment, time previously devoted to their upkeep is now placed towards career efforts: staying updated on issues and news in the orchestral/operatic/theatrical world, whatever library theory I can find, the occasional attempt to figure out copyright laws, trying to familiarize myself with entire catalogues of certain composers – again, to name a few.

Musically, my focus has also shifted a bit, but the not-so-recent animated films How to Train Your Dragon and The Secret of Kells have reawakened a film music creature in me.  However instead of wanting to be one of the musicians heard performing these scores, as per previous aspirations, I find myself wishing to just see and possibly examine them (and then, of course, prepare the parts.)  My primary inspiration derives from the stunning density of these score cues, and I am incredibly curious how they’ve all been put together.  These two specific tracks below have fascinated me for a few months now with their balanced intricacies and the juxtaposition of meaningful motifs and themes.  The technique is nothing new to music or composition, but when done skillfully, it’s still a mesmerizing effect.

+ [The Book of Kells] – The Secret of Kells, scored by Bruno Coulais
- While the entire piece is quite evocative, I keep the section starting at 3:11 on repeat.  The layers created by the gradual participation of multiple instruments with the initial violin and harp is simply beautiful.  And I do love a good counterpoint (3:46.)

+ [See You Tomorrow] – How to Train Your Dragon, scored by John Powell
- A few years back, a friend and I were on a long drive between some states.  His iPod shuffled onto a now-forgotten song, but its introduction and lead-in were so intriguing that we looped the first few seconds of the song dozens of times, just trying to dissect its very details using only our ears.  The first eight seconds of this cue remind me exactly of that one extraordinarily and hilariously super-dorky moment.  So much is happening in that tiny amount of time!  While the remainder of the cue is done in fairly broad and thematically recognizable strokes, it is no less enjoyable.  On a side note: the entire score to this film sounds like it was tremendous fun to play.  The pennywhistle players must have been having an especially grand time.

Earlier in May, I had the incredible fortune of touring the BBC Music Library located in White City, West London.  There, Head Librarian Peter Linnitt oh-so-excitedly and graciously allowed me to view and slip through a few pages of the actual scores used in the acclaimed BBC production of Pride and Prejudice, starring Colin Firth.

If you’re swooning right now, it’s totally okay.  It’s apparently the current worldwide Pavlovian response to anything associated with the words “Colin Firth.”

Absolutely regretful shyness prevented me from investigating these scores further, but their setup did seem fairly complicated.  I’m sure people from [JoAnn Kane], for example, could really tell me how to work with the particular demands of these film music sets…  Until then, I just may have rely on my silly and questionably dependable, but appreciative, ears.

Last night, my cousin and I were going through some old photographs.  I was about twelve years old in those photos.  As we flipped through the pages, I kept thinking, “Gosh, I was so pretty?  How come I was so pretty, and where did all that pretty go?  Is it the eyebrows?  It’s certainly no thanks to the fumpy ’90s clothes.  What is it??”

And then I realized a major difference: I wasn’t wearing any glasses in those photos.

HMMMMMM.

Too bad now – over a decade later – I really love (to hide behind) my glasses.  My mum would say something cheesy like “It’s innocence.”  Except I was a total, hopeless nerd when I was twelve.  Now I’m just hopeless.  Or a nerd. Or a…hey, wait…

Back in Miami, one of my favorite pastimes was to choose someplace with a window that served caffeinated drinks, typically a cafe of some sort (though never a Starbucks), and just sit in it.  My only company would be a book or some homework, maybe some bowings that needed marking; other times it might have been the shifting environment of people, servers, and sparse nature (It is Miami, after all.)  By no means a unique activity, a dear friend nonetheless often affectionately commented on and was bemused by my habit, which always extended to any city I was staying in for  prolonged period of time.  Namely, she would point out its essential solidarity.  But when she herself began to go through a particularly trying personal period,  I couldn’t come up with any decent suggestions for finding some quick inner peace except finding a cafe and haunting it for a bit.

Today brought another rejection in an absurdly long losing streak, and this one, by far, has hurt the most.  I don’t feel like I have many chances left, if any.  Recovery is not one of my strengths.  To feel like my beloved profession and world is closing me off is approaching insanity.  My next bid will likely suffer if the all-consuming uncertainty is not destroyed.  While I’m lucky to be in a safe place, timeline-wise, safe is not the same as desired.   I am terrible at accepting my failures and words which tell me  I am not “strong” enough, not “good” enough.  Here is a textbook moment of flailing.

I thought back to the cafes.  When I was there, I was exactly where I wanted to be in all respects, and nothing told me I could not be there.   I functioned and, with the purchase of coffee or somesuch drink, was a part of the functioning environment.  And so I would keep going back.  If I can’t believe in myself, it doesn’t matter how much or how many others believe in me.

I need to get out more.

Remember who you are. Hold on tight.

There is no fairy tale.

A little downtime, a little reflection, but passionately desiring almost anything but.  The seismograph needle suffers my schizophrenia.  Back in a few somethings.  Wish we were still walking streets in the Autumn chill, your hand over mine.  And the city lights play back our soundtrack of laughter.

for the mood: the turbulent calm
tracks: (all files uploaded onto zshare.net. Music is rightful property of the artists. I don’t own any of these…Please buy their music and support them)

+ [Butterfly] – Yoko Kanno ft. M (Cowboy Bebop)

+ [Between the Bars] – Madeleine Peyroux

+ [Little Person] – Jon Brion ft. Deanne Storey (Synecdoche, New York)