See, the nice thing about disposable razors is that if you get the odd dud razor in a pack, you haven’t just shelled out £2.50 for that dud razor, you’ve shelled out £2.50 for 8 razors including one or two dud razors. Big deal, you test it, it slices your leg open, you throw it before it does any damage, right?
Oh no. Not this time.
I can accept the odd dud disposable. But this time it had to go further. This time it had to turn dud, halfway through using it.
I look like I’ve just been stabbed with a machete. On the fucking bikini line. That kills. It bloody kills. Thats just low razor. Real low. And I know its your fault, razor, since I tested you on my legs, and it took about five minutes for the carnage to subside. On my shin for gods sake. It’s not even an awkward area to shave! Its sodding flat! Not even the tiny lil dots you might get with a normal bad blade, big motherfucking gashes. There is nowhere near enough hair to blunt a blade in that short a time, other blades can handle that, my legs AND my arms, and still be perfectly good to use again. You’d think I’d never shaved before in my damn life. My legs have been through waxing, epilating, sandpapering, visious dissolving hair removal creams(that don’t work) but no, they get defeated by one puny little blade.
I hate you blade. I’m going to make your life a living hell.
I could just not shave, of course. Then have people thinking I’m a feminazi tramp for not doing so. You turn up for an interview or something with hairy legs and they’ll assume you don’t care for your appearance and kick you out. You go to the shops wearing a skirt and hairy legs and people will think that you’re proof that the yeti exists and either point and laugh, try and capture you to sell to the circus, or hide behind the stack of tinned beans (…hopefully your bikini line won’t be on show for either of those cases, but if I fall over I’d rather not reveal that I’m hiding a jungle under my skirt. Which I can’t wear anyway since I’ve just ripped my leg to pieces.)
I could use cream, but it’s £5 a bottle and everyone else uses in the house uses it before I can use it a second time to get my money’s worth. And leaves pubes on the lid. For gods sake. If you’re going to use my stuff keep your damn pubes off it. In fact, I’d just rather you didn’t use my stuff, and then complain when I nick your shaving gel since it’s the only thing left.
Waxing. Leaves colourful bruises and you can’t sit down for a week apparently. I’ll pass. Though, no-one else nicks my waxing strips since the skin on their legs isn’t 3 inches thick from everything they’ve been through.
Epilating. It’s more painful than waxing, and leaves some lovely red blemishes behind. Sod off.
Sandpapering (’Silkimit/z’ actually. Like sandpaper with aloe vera) doesn’t work at the best of times.
Also, women’s shaving gel costs about 6 times the price of mens, and the only difference is the smell. For gods sake. The cacti legs return within a day or two anyway, no matter how moisturising or flowery your damn shaving gel is. And then I get glared at if I pick up mens shaving gel. Gah.
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