Mog and Chips

I’m just hoping I can get my thoughts in order then I might be able to get some sleep.

I meant to go to bed half one, but the last 2 and a half hour I’ve just been fuming. Apparently my head’s not screwed on, I’m a disappointment etc over a christmas present.

I worked out my budget for the year - £50 a week including bills and travel (so £30 a week), and then rent, should leave me £2000 for anything that’s not living expenses. The last few weeks I’ve been under budget by about £15, so £15 food. Because I’m spending it only on food and materials - I’ve not been pubbing or clubbing once (which is £20 a pop, minimum) or on stupid hair/makeup products (£7 for a mascara, that’s a day’s budgeting gone at once, and that’s if I skip college) And I’m doing it voluntarily so I’ve got a safety net, and so that I’ve got stuff for birthdays, christmas etc. If I had enough left I’d want to treat myself to a few things - because disciplining my spending like that is work, and I want to see it pay off - I want to see a reward.

It makes sense to me to get something useful for £40, which is about what I’ve spent for the previous years anyway, than something that’s not going to get used or maybe used once for £20-30. Especially because I’ve factored it into my budget and I’ve worked hard towards it - I like being able to buy people stuff, and moreover stuff that’s useful. It’s rewarding to me as well as being just a xmas present because I know it will be appreciated and it will be useful.

But suddenly - I’m mad. I don’t think. I’m not up to the expectations of a certain someone that is now saying, because I’m not working but still miraculously have money left, it’s not because I’ve been trying hard to make sure it lasts - it’s because they’re giving me too much and “maybe they should take it back.” because “its not my money and I’m not thinking of that”

I lived in a cockroach infested shithole because I was worried that I’d be wasting their money if I put a deposit down before getting my results and then lost it if I didn’t get them, so all the places were gone or even going a few minutes before I got there and got told at the door (which was my fault too, apparently). I got so stressed out I considered not even going to uni and spending the rest of my life doing nothing locked in my room because I was causing so much trouble for them by actually wanting to go.

Somehow not spending £20 every week or two by not going to all the events the Student Union organises and spending some of that on someone that’s going to appreciate it more than some pub company is wrong. And after being so careful with my money and then getting something along the lines of “that’s strange, you haven’t used it all… we’ll take it back!” just defeats everything I’ve tried to do thinking that it’s only fair that I get the same amount as my sister and no more, but no less either.

And the mac issue comes up every time too. Every time I’ve said “We’ve talked about it, we’re not getting a mac between us now” it’s been “You’re lying”. What am I supposed to say to that? Everything I say to defend myself is automatically a lie so whatever I say is useless, she’s never going to believe me regardless.

And I just know - if I don’t get an absolutely amazing brilliant First when I’m done in three years, I know who it’s going to get blamed on and it’s not fair at all - whatever I get will be my own fault, and not the fault of someone who’s actually being supportive rather than crushing me to the ground whenever I haven’t quite reached the top.

Everything’s just getting blown out of proportion - Because I haven’t found a job, I’m compensating so that I have the money to spend as if I want/need it, and that compensation is work but it’s something I’m willing to manage and I’m actually going to have something to spare at the end of the year - I want to be able to look at the money I’ve got and go “wow, look at how well I managed to save”, and then use some of it for myself because the next year I’ll be more experienced, be able to do the same and have the remainder of whatever I didn’t spend.

And when she complains they’re in debt too, after all the work I’ve done living on the bare minimum I can’t help but look at the flatscreen TV, the harddrive DVD, the fish pond, the handbag-shoes-hat-dress that she was willing to spend insane amounts on as long as they were the same shade, and then get so angry that I’m the one ‘wasting’ stuff, ‘waste’ being a useful xmas present and a possible cheap holiday in the summer.

Well its almost five now. Feel a little better but my stomach’s cramped and I don’t know why. I was looking forward to coming home so much but right now I think I’d rather have spent xmas and new year in the roach house. I have a terrible feeling I’m going to be right off my food when I go back because of all this money business even though I know as long as I’m within budget (which is easier than whe I first started). And then I’ll be feeling lousy and faint for college and missing lessons again…

I’m worried someone’s gonna wake up and barge in and notice me writing this and then the shit will hit the fan, so guess I’d better end it there and try for sleep and hope the stomach eases up. It probably won’t make any sense if I read it tomorrow =P

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