Mog and Chips

No idea what it’s going to be like… big room, 2 bathrooms, all new and shiny… never thought about living next door to the landlord until today (Which is surprising, considering the “ZOMGMENEVIL!” religion I’ve been brought up in =P Which is possibly a bad thing, but mostly a good thing, since it means I’m not like “AHH! IT’S MALE! RUN AWAY!”, it’s never a good thing to be shaking because you’re cashing up in the safe room with your boss that happens to be a tall male, or offending your genuinely nice security guard by refusing a lift home and running off instead =P )

I feel so horribly guilty at the moment. I had a small party at the same time someone else was having a funeral. Not someone I knew personally (hence not invited, it’s not as if I went to a party instead or something), and funerals happen every day I’m sure. It was planned before I knew it was happening and I couldn’t exactly say “I’m cancelling the party because someone’s going to a person I don’t know’s funeral” but damnit it feels so wrong that we’re standing around a chocolate fountain at the same time as that. I wish I could have been there for said someone instead.

Feeling kind of spoilt… The government expects parents to give money to students if they have it and give grants to those that don’t, it’s not as if I could go up and say “yeah, my parents don’t want to give me money, can you give it?” and I can’t live off the loan, it wouldn’t even cover my rent let alone other living costs. And my sister got money, so surely it’s only fair that I should get the same. But it sounds so demanding and wrong whenever I think that way, and at the same time I’m trying hard not to be a doormat but which should take presidence?

And it confuses me. First my mam is condemning me over things she thinks I’ve done, then she’s saying “wtf? you haven’t? you oddball!” then more recently she’s like “I HOPE you girls (me and sis) are on the pill!” while at the same time I would have thought she’d go ballistic if we did and didn’t tell her.

Parents arguing again. Goddamnit you can’t say “You never listen to me!” and then say “I’m not going to bother saying since nobody listens!” because then… there’s nothing to listen TO, because you’re not saying it.

But I now understand where that whole thing of “when a woman says nothings wrong, she means everything’s wrong” comes from. I mean, you can’t say “NOTHING’s wrong” in that tone of voice that does mean, somethings wrong, and expect someone to automatically know specifically what the problem is.

And I’m hating the sigh. If I ever sigh as part of an argument, shoot me. Please.

I got a bit more outgoing when I was away from home, but when I got back it’s like I’ve taken a few steps backwards… No idea what summer will be like. 3 months instead of 3 weeks.
Had the wierdest dreams lately. That’s what Irn Bru (mmm, caffiene) late at night does I think. I’ve dreamt I’ve been pregnant, and something important about the day of birth/cesarian (sp), and wondering whether I’d be allowed to get the op instead if there’s nothing wrong with me O.o . I think I dreamt about searching for chocolate and food this morning, because we needed food for the buffet (which was for the party today, incidentally) it was all very colourful, and there was lots of Irn Bru (it’s bright orange and fizzy)

It’s 5.15am. Better get sleep (and drink Caffiene-Bru in morning) or I’ll not get any work done.

Oh, apparently the gas bill for my old flat was ~£150 for 3 months… so I’m down £40 already. Wasn’t expecting that one, seems insane for 3 people considering I never put the heating on if I was the only one in.

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