Yesterday I spent 8 hours straight doing work, today I’ve just been working on and off and haven’t really got anywhere because I just feel… ugh.
I don’t know if it’s some lovely depressive moodswing (thought I’d said goodbye to those in september/october-ish) but it feels like everything’s just going wrong somehow, like everything I’m doing is wrong or silly or stupid and it’s just all piling up. I’m not stressed about coursework because I think I’ll get it done in time if I can keep doing what I did yesterday, it’s just all these little mistakes, or all these things I don’t know and I should, or even the things I don’t know and it shouldn’t be expected I should. Or like “why can I do all this maths stuff and get good grades in the past but common sense eludes me? What’s wrong with me?”
I went to get my housemate’s present today, I spent ages wandering around trying to think of what to get, and ended up getting her an anklet (so she has something to aim for when she loses weight and is confident enough to wear a skirt), some fluffy socks (because she’s been ill lately) and some Baileys (just because). But I wanted to make it presentational, but because I don’t have enough money for baskets and such I was going to arrange the socks around it like it was wrapped up in a basket, or like having a ribbon, but it turns out to be another part of her present that she can then wear. And then it looked so stupid, so I wrapped it in socks before putting it in wrapping paper so she’ll be like “huh? It’s soft… but it contains liquid” before opening it, and it still seems stupid. It seems childish. All the reasons I decided to get this or that particular thing just seem like a child’s way of thinking, “I’ll do this, because of that, and they’ll be so happy with it” kind of thing, and that childish way of thinking used to always lead too “Aww, how sweet! (what an oddball) *fake smile*” and it feels like it’s going to be like… you’re pathetic, just do some adult thing like getting a bottle, plunking it in a bag, adding a card and giving it to them like everyone else does.
And then just the mistakes in general… it feels like just because you’ve misheard or misinterpretted someone, or you’ve genuinely made a mistake but now you know better, it’s like, “You’re fucking stupid, and you don’t have a chance to redeem yourself, and we’re going to talk down to you the rest of the time we know you”
I know if I was someone else listening to me, I’d probably say “No, they don’t think of you like that, you’re just imagining it”, which still makes me an idiot, for imagining it all and interpretting things to the extreme. I thought I’d lose the “I’m childish” complex when I left home, but I haven’t.
I don’t want a repeat of my secondary school where I was an annoying twat in year 7 and then couldn’t live it down for the next 4 years even though I was practically a completely different person.
03/05/2007 at 11:18 pm Permalink
Thats not stupid at all. Its thoughtful… please don’t ever change, because the things like that that you do are something i love about you. Most people don’t think about what they’re doing, don’t use their imagination and can’t put themselves in other peoples shoes, but you can. Be proud of it!
06/05/2007 at 10:55 pm Permalink
^ I agree, it is thoughtful. Well, damn, I hope it’s thoughtful because it’s the type of thing that I do *blush* But honestly, just buying someone a bottle of booze and plunking it in a bag with a card is hardly imaginative is it? Doesn’t take a lot of thought just to do that
And, with the work issue, you should dedicate some hours just to de-stress yourself and relax. Get some nice oils and have a lovely warm bath, then put your feet up with some choccies and a nice drink and film. Perfect. Sometimes if you *try* to do the work when you feel you can’t, the work tends to be poorer and looks more forced.