Mog and Chips

So yesterday, I’m thinking “Well thursday would be a good day to go to the temping agency, but my mam wants to spend some quality time in so I’ll do it friday.”

This morning, I’m thinking “It’s fine to sleep in, because we’re not making cakes until 2pm.”

Who would have guessed that one of my first blogs when I get back home would be a negative one?

First thing I get when I wake up is getting snarled at for getting in the way by one person, then getting yelled at for not going out to look for a job when SHE was the one that decided she wanted me home. So I say that.

I get the “you’re a filthy rotten liar” look.

I’m fucking sick of that look. I say “Yeah, but I’ll be going back there earlier than September to look for a job” I get “Yeah right.”

I job hunt last summer and couldn’t find anywhere - but of course, that’s not because no-where wants someone who’s going to leave at summer. No. That’s somehow because I’m lying about the fact that I went all over Brighton and all down the lanes and there wasn’t a single place that would even have me for interview.

Not “Tough luck, hey why not look at a temping agency” or “too bad, maybe try the papers or try down in Shoreham or somewhere” but “You didn’t look hard enough.”

For fucks sake. I need a job now. I want a job, I am motivated to get a job. If I hadn’t wanted a job, why would I send a covering letter to somewhere before I even got home. I didn’t get the job, probably because I lost my nerve at the interview. Now is that because I was nervous and misinterpreted half their questions and forgot half the answers, or is that because I wasn’t trying hard enough and didn’t really want the job.

I didn’t really want a £4.85 job (But I only found out after the interview, so that wouldn’t have impacted it) but it’s better than no job at all, so yes I do want it.

But no. She obviously knows me better than I do, so she’s allowed to destroy all my motivation with a “yeah right you’ll find a job”. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks a lot. Maybe I’ll go ask if I can stay back in my student house a bit longer where I might get a bit of encouragement instead of criticism, and I’ll have better luck finding something there anyway because I’ll be there all year.

My own mother thinks I’m a fucking liar over something I’m not fucking lying about.

Fuck coming back here for xmas. It’s going to be more difficult to get a job where I can get xmas off anyway, and obviously if I don’t get one because I want xmas free it’s only going to prove her “Your too lazy to get a job” point and she’s going to ruin whatever family time we do have. I’ll miss my mates, yeah, but I’m sure I can visit them on a weekend off.

Fuck you for thinking people can never change, and not actually letting there be room for change.

edit: Confrontation = denial denial denial and “You’re reading too much into things.”

No, I’m pretty sure you said “Yeah right” and I’m pretty sure I said “Well thanks for the encouragement” as we were walking out the door from Subway that time, and got a reply about not trying at home, because I remember being very angry about it, and I probably wrote a blog on it and complained to Paul about it

And she snapped at me this morning because she had a lot of things to do. That’s strange, because whenever I’ve done that, I’ve been attacked for “having that tone of voice when I haven’t done anything” and if I’m not allowed to take my anger out on people (which I shouldn’t, because if they haven’t done anything why should I be angry at them) surely no-one else should be allowed either. (But hey, I’m the youngest, so all three members are allowed to snarl at me for merely being in the same room when they’re annoyed.)

But I’m getting slightly better at this whole confrontation thing. …The fact that I’m actually doing it, for starters, even if it was an hour later And I’m going to do it, if I keep getting snarled at for things I haven’t even done.

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