I’m going through a strange self consious phase I think, and I’m not entirely sure why. My diet is better now than it was (mainly because I’m not cooking) and I’m not getting “kill crush maul” swings like I used to, but very recently I’ve just got a “fwooomph” of self consiousness hitting me in the face.
The OMGMEN! thing is getting to me too - I promised I wouldn’t rant about the person that’s pushing it anymore because I found out why, but I don’t like the fact that it’s rubbing off on me (again) now that I’ve come home. I was living with someone that had a kind of fear of men/strangers (which I won’t rant about because I know why as well) but that was different because she wasn’t trying to protect me with an overbearingness you’d (understandably) get from a parent, it was a private thing where she didn’t want to walk home alone etc. Both are entirely understandable but what’s annoying me is that I can’t seem to just brush it off (obviously it’s not applying to people I actually know =P). Not in a “there aren’t dangerous men in the world” but a “just because he has it doesn’t mean he’s going to attack you with it.” kind of thing, when I’ve been bombarded with exactly the opposite while growing up.
The boiler man’s coming tomorrow, and my first thought was “better be up early, or mam will seem to be the only person in the house.” Followed by consequences that only happen in soap operas that have run out of steam.
Anyway, been looking for a flat for when I go back to uni and had one thing hopeful so far, for the three days we’re going to be there.
Bah.
Also, Paulus, you don’t smoke if any estate agents ask >.> <.< You just live with a smoker back home (which isn’t a lie) and that’s why you smell, if they pick it up =P
Speaking of lying, I can’t bring myself to do it. For a job. Everyone’s looking at me like I’m trying to be all high and mighty and moralistic but I know that I’m only going to be home two months, I’ve got a year of explaining to do why I haven’t been doing anything if I tell a prospective employer that I’m not at uni, or I tell them I’ve dropped out or transferred, which looks bad either way. I don’t have the confidence that I’ll be able to pull it off and not let something slip, or that I’ll get a reference by the end of it when I leave suspiciously close to university starting dates.
Working is gonna be strange after all this time, but I do actually want to do it. I just don’t want to lie to get there, but I don’t know what else there is I can do about it. Especially after telling other people to lie to get their jobs if needbe, which makes me a hypocrite. I guess a cowardly one, for not being able to lie to an interviewer’s face.
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