Just trying to figure some things out. I’m going in circles if I just think in my head. It’s also too early to go to bed. Perhaps someone can figure something out that I haven’t. Be forewarned this is entirely a me, me, me blog post.
I can’t bear having nothing to do, I would much rather sleep. Or play games - I play far too many games, probably too much for my own good. But then, often I don’t really play them so much. I’d rather a random-number generator decide for me what choices to make and hence it’s more like I watch how they play out.
This could indicate a lack of confidence in my own decisions - the lack of a source of randomness, say the lack of internet, or the refusal to be seen using such a method when someone else is in the room, and I get no enjoyment out of the game, which would usually be some form of management sim (say, a tycoon game)
in which case perhaps the best thing to do would be to force myself to play them as a normal person would.
Or it could merely mean a detachment from them - maybe I do not enjoy such games in the first place, and must invent these random things to deal with in order to get something new out of them.
And then games with story. Say, an RPG of some sort. I’m a “completionist” - I’d rather follow a walkthrough and get everything ‘correct’ the first time, pick up all the secret items and whatnot. Excluding those that are just silly (Here’s looking at you, FFX ultimate weapons). This utterly defeats any replay value of the game, as I’ve already done everything the first time around.
This again would seemingly point to a lack of confidence in decision making.
The ’selective/random muteness’ generally occurs when something may depend on what I say - a contact within the industry, say. This would also point to the above conclusion.
So far, the best course of action would seem to be a confidence course =P
There are different types of confidence - I am confident with my body, with the occasional “I don’t like my face” moodswing, probably reinforced by having a steady relationship. I’m generally confident in my ability in maths.
I enjoy work. I primarily enjoy work because I don’t have the time to think when I’m there. It therefore becomes an escapism, as the games are. Also, I would rather sleep, and dream in my own escapisms, than be bored. I would rather write my own escapisms; though I haven’t for a while. I have cravings to write, or work, or game, in phases that might last from one day, to a month long, sometimes as a means of procrastination, but also when I should otherwise be relaxing.
It is difficult to relax - I can’t understand how to not be actively thinking unless I’m preoccupied with something. My throat can’t relax in order for me to down a drink, or a shot in one. I’ve never been able to do that “fall back and we’ll catch you” trust exercise. Attempting to relax merely makes me more aware that I am not relaxed, and is therefore entirely counterproductive.
I think while I could trust someone to not tell a secret, or not to cheat on me, and so on, there is a point that becomes difficult to overcome, which would appear to relate more to relying on someone (to catch me, rather than letting me fall) than expecting some malicious action. However this would be impossible to prove, being as I would not trust them were they to somehow prove it.
I’ve whacked someone out of irritation before, though I was instantly unhappy about it. It is difficult to become angry, and a petty tantrum is easier. I can track this back - while I’m entirely behind smacking a kid (just once) as a form of discipline, doing it out of anger or irritation (as far as I remember, only the once. Not ZOMGchildabuse!) seems to have caused this kind of lash-out behaviour. Yet at the same time, at the same age, I was not allowed to show anger, which is probably why it is difficult to do so now. Which I’m not happy about, and want to change.
Additionally it is very uncomfortable being in the presence of someone who is angry. This may be a normal reaction, however it overwhelms the ability to think clearly, and I would like to change that too.
I can’t shout. I think this is something to do with the relaxation issues, as my throat “won’t let me” in the same way that it “won’t let me” down a shot in one by not being open enough. I can scream, on a rollercoaster - when I am preoccupied with the rollercoaster experience. Therefore it must be something self-imposed, if not consciously, or I would not physically be able to scream, ever.
I don’t let myself become drunk enough to not be able to control myself - I consider this a good thing, though it would seem to be the same sort of thing.
My lack of confidence in my decisions makes me ill-suited to becoming a director - but there’s far too many animation directors in comparison to actual animators in England anyway. I’m beginning to have second thoughts about become an animator, though it would be illogical to drop out of uni just before my third year. Additionally, I would need to stay here to stay with Paul, and because of our rent contract, and council tax appears to be roughly £280 a month, considering it was 70-odd a week - it would not be possible for me to earn enough to cover that and rent, and it would be unfair for Paul to be burdened with half of it while he is studying.
This might be a phase, beginning from my losing confidence at a presentation mid semester that went particularly badly (and appeared to trigger the selective/random mute-ness). I am confused that during the presentation I was told my story had been done before, was unoriginal and awkward. This conflicts with the feedback at the end, which stated that the story was good. I did talk to my lecturer about the presentation, which helped somewhat, but not overall. While I can take criticism, so much bad criticism at once with not one piece of good criticism, removed any confidence I had for storytelling whatsoever. I interpreted this as “lots of things are bad, the rest is mediocre.”
I do not feel confident in applying for work experience - especially while I’m having these shy episodes. This will damage my ability to find appropriate employment once I graduate.
I seem to become very quiet when there are kids around - perhaps because I think they are easily influenced, and I might make a mistake. I don’t want to have kids, because I’m worried I’ll make a mistake when bringing them up. It’s possible to be a good parent, but make some mistakes along the way - no-one is perfect.
Before I can function at a level to get an acceptable grade for my third year, I think I must sort many of these things out. Should I be able to sort these things out on my own? Many people appear to believe that ‘having your own councillor’ when you don’t need is one of those modern unnecessary things, to justify your own actions, to know that there’s nothing wrong with you, and you can shift your blame onto someone else who influenced something in your life. I would be taking valuable time away from someone who has faced terrible things in their life, just because I’m not quite perfect. And yet it affects my life, which is the basis on which I’d advise someone to seek help.
On a side note, I can’t wear polo necks. They depress me. =P I don’t like the tightness around my throat, it’s too similar to the way it feels tight when you’re upset. Does anyone else get this?
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Why I’m getting viagra mail is a mystery but I’m sure if I was a bloke I wouldn’t want stuff that would apparently make you longer but simultaneously make you loose all grasp of the English Language or worse. (”Honey, I’m hooooooome! And I’m- wh? Wha? Where am I?! And why am I so-?” )
