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okay so this is the title

December 24th, 2013 by pandroid

I’m trying to write something witty and profound about this blog and me sometimes going back to it write stuff when I feel like it but the best thing I can compare it to is basically a drunken bootycall to an ex or a sort of ex or even just a drunken bootycall to somebody that essentially originally was just an drunken bootycall.

I’m sorry, I lied. It took me six minutes to come up with that. I still think it’s witty though.

Anyway, that comparison is still the best one. Suddenly feeling the need to write some stuff to clear your head is pretty much the same thing as being drunk and feeling lonely and wanting to fuck. Well, you know what I mean. Although who “you” are is unclear. It can be the, what, six people (tops) who will ever, potentially, read this. It is also more likely that “you” is me. Because honestly, I’m only writing this because I suddenly, no, desperately felt the urge to write something. So I’m writing to myself. I guess it is because I’ve always wanted to support myself by writing, you know, like a day job.

“So, what do you for a living?”

“I’m a writer.”

“Really? That’s awesome! What kind of stuff do you write?”

“Right now I’m writing for this magazine, but I’m working on my first novel. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s basically about our generation and the increasing disconnect we feel in contemporary society blabla…”

That’s what I want to say to people I met when they ask me what I do. It sounds a little better, and to be honest, cooler than “I’m trying to finally get a fucking degree in something and I work part-time in customer support and it’s okay I guess…” Truth is, although that’s my dream, to be a writer, I almost never write. Except for essays and the occasional blog post, I suppose. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas, I actually have a lot of ideas for novels and short stories and what not. Some of them are even good. I just never put them to paper. To be honest, I think I’m scared of failing. No actually, I am scared of failing. So I never do it. When you’re young or, you know, younger, it’s easy to put things on the backburner and say “it’s cool, I’ll do it later, I got time”. But sooner or later, you will wake up and realise that time ran out a while ago and there is the rent and bills and all that other shit. Basically it’s the usual thing when you reach your late twenties, your dreams that you had when you where younger will probably not come through, whether because of your own inaction or the realities of life around. So one reason I’m am writing this is probably because I want to keep that little flame that is my life’s dream alive. The other is because it’s christmas and this time of the year always brings me down for some reason.

I don’t really know why I feel that way. I mean, it’s nice to spend time with your family and relatives that you don’t see that often, but at the same time I always have the feeling in the back of my mind that I would rather be anywhere but there. It could be because (it most likely is) family gatherings reminds me of the fact that I don’t want that life. A family of my own, I mean. I just don’t. The thought of a relationship makes me feel trapped, and kids is something I’ve never really wanted. Sure, with the right woman I could consider it, but I’ve only had that really deep connection with one woman and she is my best friend, so that’s really out of the question. And to be honest, that would just feel really fucking weird.

That’s my biggest problem, that whatever I do in life I always have one foot already out the door because sooner or later I get tired of things. Or I get tired of things because I’m scared that I will be trapped forever if I don’t start on something new, whether it’s school or a job. So that’s why I don’t pursue my dreams, because I’m afraid that if I fail I will inevitably be trapped in a life that I don’t want.

So now it’s officially Christmas Eve and if there is a conclusion to this semicoherent rambling I suppose it is that sometimes getting older is a realisation that life isn’t always what you expected it to be. But to end things on the brighter side; getting older is also fucking exciting. Because everyday is a new day, and you never know what’s around the corner.

Time to post this before I change my mind.

Crossing a Line

February 10th, 2012 by pandroid

There are days when you know you messed up, when you crossed a line and said or did something you can never take back. Today was one of those days.

I fucked up. Badly.

I never meant to do it, and I would never want to do it. It just happened. A girl I know, one of my closest and best friends, one of the few people in this world (outside my family) that I honestly love, did some things that she shouldn’t have done which led to a bad situation. For her, mind you, not me. I have no personal stake in this. It’s nothing that will have any negative effect on my life. But since I care about her and always try to give her the best and honest advice that I can, it was so fucking frustrating to see her slowly but surely make those decisions that led to this point. So I said something that I shouldn’t have said. I made her cry when she already was in a bad place emotionally. I said something that she never expected to hear from me, and I’m supposed to be her best friend. I’m the one she always turns to for advice and comfort away from everything else, and instead I lashed out.

I don’t know what will happen next. I have apologized so many times today that there really isn’t anything more I can say. Maybe she will forgive me and we will be friends again. Maybe she won’t and I am forever out of her life.

I don’t write this to expect some sympathy or supporting words. I don’t even fucking expect anybody to actually read it. In fact I didn’t even new that this blog still existed. I write it because it feels better to put word to my shame, to somehow ease this giant feeling of regret that’s in my heart.

That was pretty much it.

can’t judge me cutie i’m reckless

March 24th, 2010 by pandroid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc0dUjOQtVk

Kid Cudi feat Snoop – I Do My Thing

yeah we gettin’ hella high

Kid Cudi plus Snoop is a match made in hiphop-heaven.

sometimes

March 20th, 2010 by pandroid

Sometimes I wish for the apocalypse.

Sometimes I want the sky to fall.

Sometimes I yearn for adventure.

Sometimes I dream of peace.

Sometimes I see beauty.

Sometimes I care.

Sometimes I have an answer.

But most of the time I just don’t know.

surprised

February 18th, 2010 by pandroid

Well well, this was a surprise! I actually thought that X had deleted my stuff so… yeah, a surprise. So, what is going on in my life nowadays? Not that anybody actually cares, but hey whatever and so on. I’m still in school, believe it or not, and it’s going okay I guess, although I’ve grown seriously tired of literature. But at least that shit’s almost over, so it’s not that bad. I also work part-time at my old job, which is nice because working with cars don’t really have that much in common with “1900-century gender and literature”.

What else?

I hate winter. I want spring. Seriously winter is like a clingy one night stand.  

The Road not getting a single oscar-nomination is a fucking scandal.

… and something else but I gotta go so take care people!

music in a shining hour

October 2nd, 2009 by pandroid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPbozLRU3so

The Rolling Stones – Shine a Light

Saw you stretched out in room Ten O Nine
With a smile on your face and a tear right in your eye
Couldn’t see to get a line on you
My sweet honey love

Berber jewlry jangling down the street
Make you shut your eyes at every woman that you meet
Couldn’t not seem to get a high on you
My sweet honey love

May the good lord shine a light on you
Make every song your favourite tune
May the good lord shine a light on you
Warm like the evening sun

Well, you’re drunk in the alley, baby
With your clothes all torn
And your late night friends
Leave you in the cold grey dawn
Just seemed too many flies on you
I just can’t brush them off

Angels beating all their wings in time
With smiles on their faces
And a gleam right in their eyes
Thought I heard one sigh for you
Come on up, come on up, now
Come on up, now

May the good lord shine a light on you
Make every song you sing your favourite tune
May the good lord shine a light on you
Warm like the evening sun

This night is going to be chill as shit.

autumn nights

September 27th, 2009 by pandroid

I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone, because I knew this would happen, and somehow you allways get upset, and I try to tell you that no, it’s not your fault and you haven’t done anything wrong, the fact is that i’m just not in the mood but you still think that I’m mad att you when I’m not and I’m running out of things to say while I wonder if this thing we have is even worth saving and the autumn nights are still warm.

yellow leaves is falling down

September 17th, 2009 by pandroid

So fall is coming and yeallow leaves is falling down and I’ve worked so hard to tear  down that wall that you’ve put up and when I’m almost there you push me away and when I say that I care about you and that I worry you think I lie and when I finally want to tell you how I feel you give me reasons not to and then we say things we don’t mean because we are both to scared to be honest with eachother and at the end of the day we are back to where we began and the leaves continue to fall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA_9MoEyENU

… but otherwise things are pretty peachy.

i’m only nineteen but my mind is old

August 14th, 2009 by pandroid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVEwemk-TRU

Emancipator – Shook (Mobb Deep/Sigur Ros)

“I got you stuck off the realness – we be “The Infamous… ”
You heard of us! – Official Queens Bridge murderers.
The Mobb comes equipped with warfare, beware
Of my crime family who got nuff shots to share.
For all of those – who wanna profile and pose!
Rock you in your face, stab your brain with’ your nosebone.
You all alone in these streets, cousin.
Every man for theirself in this land we be gunnin’,
And keep them shook crews runnin’. Like they supposed to.
They come around but they never come close to
I can see it inside your face! And in the wrong place
Cowards like you just get they’re whole body laced up.
With bullet holes and such!
Speak the wrong words man and you will get touched.
You can put your whole army – against my team.
And I guarantee you it’ll be your very last time breathin’
Your simple words just don’t move me! – You’re minor!
We’re major! You all up in the game and don’t deserve to be a player
Don’t make me have to call your name out
Your crew is featherweight! My gunshots’ll make you levitate.
I’m only 19 but my mind is old,
And when the things get for real my warm heart turns cold.
Another nigga deceased – another story gets told!

I’m only 19 but my mind is old,
And when the things get for real my warm heart turns cold…”

I’m going back to school soon. Studying to be a high school teacher. It just feels right.

music in a sunny hour

May 14th, 2009 by pandroid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1PohBgoimM

Almost everything this guy does is amazing but this song is one of his greatest.

Kid Cudi – The Prayer

Plain Pat what up? My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I’m thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while ’til I’m gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won’t
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral

My mind runs I can never catch it even if I got a head start
God please tell me I am feeling so alone way
I don’t need to worry ‘cuz I know the world’ll feel this nigga
Blessing in disguise but I am not hiding who I am open your eyes bro
If I ever met you, I appreciate the love yo
Girls that I dated, it’s ok I am not mad yo
Unless you stabbed me in the heart, no love ho, this shit is so ill
Play it back from the top if you recognize real

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
So please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral (I’m ready for the funeral, I’m ready for the funeral)