I’m trying to write something witty and profound about this blog and me sometimes going back to it write stuff when I feel like it but the best thing I can compare it to is basically a drunken bootycall to an ex or a sort of ex or even just a drunken bootycall to somebody that essentially originally was just an drunken bootycall.
I’m sorry, I lied. It took me six minutes to come up with that. I still think it’s witty though.
Anyway, that comparison is still the best one. Suddenly feeling the need to write some stuff to clear your head is pretty much the same thing as being drunk and feeling lonely and wanting to fuck. Well, you know what I mean. Although who “you” are is unclear. It can be the, what, six people (tops) who will ever, potentially, read this. It is also more likely that “you” is me. Because honestly, I’m only writing this because I suddenly, no, desperately felt the urge to write something. So I’m writing to myself. I guess it is because I’ve always wanted to support myself by writing, you know, like a day job.
“So, what do you for a living?”
“I’m a writer.”
“Really? That’s awesome! What kind of stuff do you write?”
“Right now I’m writing for this magazine, but I’m working on my first novel. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s basically about our generation and the increasing disconnect we feel in contemporary society blabla…”
That’s what I want to say to people I met when they ask me what I do. It sounds a little better, and to be honest, cooler than “I’m trying to finally get a fucking degree in something and I work part-time in customer support and it’s okay I guess…” Truth is, although that’s my dream, to be a writer, I almost never write. Except for essays and the occasional blog post, I suppose. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas, I actually have a lot of ideas for novels and short stories and what not. Some of them are even good. I just never put them to paper. To be honest, I think I’m scared of failing. No actually, I am scared of failing. So I never do it. When you’re young or, you know, younger, it’s easy to put things on the backburner and say “it’s cool, I’ll do it later, I got time”. But sooner or later, you will wake up and realise that time ran out a while ago and there is the rent and bills and all that other shit. Basically it’s the usual thing when you reach your late twenties, your dreams that you had when you where younger will probably not come through, whether because of your own inaction or the realities of life around. So one reason I’m am writing this is probably because I want to keep that little flame that is my life’s dream alive. The other is because it’s christmas and this time of the year always brings me down for some reason.
I don’t really know why I feel that way. I mean, it’s nice to spend time with your family and relatives that you don’t see that often, but at the same time I always have the feeling in the back of my mind that I would rather be anywhere but there. It could be because (it most likely is) family gatherings reminds me of the fact that I don’t want that life. A family of my own, I mean. I just don’t. The thought of a relationship makes me feel trapped, and kids is something I’ve never really wanted. Sure, with the right woman I could consider it, but I’ve only had that really deep connection with one woman and she is my best friend, so that’s really out of the question. And to be honest, that would just feel really fucking weird.
That’s my biggest problem, that whatever I do in life I always have one foot already out the door because sooner or later I get tired of things. Or I get tired of things because I’m scared that I will be trapped forever if I don’t start on something new, whether it’s school or a job. So that’s why I don’t pursue my dreams, because I’m afraid that if I fail I will inevitably be trapped in a life that I don’t want.
So now it’s officially Christmas Eve and if there is a conclusion to this semicoherent rambling I suppose it is that sometimes getting older is a realisation that life isn’t always what you expected it to be. But to end things on the brighter side; getting older is also fucking exciting. Because everyday is a new day, and you never know what’s around the corner.
Time to post this before I change my mind.