There are days when you know you messed up, when you crossed a line and said or did something you can never take back. Today was one of those days.
I fucked up. Badly.
I never meant to do it, and I would never want to do it. It just happened. A girl I know, one of my closest and best friends, one of the few people in this world (outside my family) that I honestly love, did some things that she shouldn’t have done which led to a bad situation. For her, mind you, not me. I have no personal stake in this. It’s nothing that will have any negative effect on my life. But since I care about her and always try to give her the best and honest advice that I can, it was so fucking frustrating to see her slowly but surely make those decisions that led to this point. So I said something that I shouldn’t have said. I made her cry when she already was in a bad place emotionally. I said something that she never expected to hear from me, and I’m supposed to be her best friend. I’m the one she always turns to for advice and comfort away from everything else, and instead I lashed out.
I don’t know what will happen next. I have apologized so many times today that there really isn’t anything more I can say. Maybe she will forgive me and we will be friends again. Maybe she won’t and I am forever out of her life.
I don’t write this to expect some sympathy or supporting words. I don’t even fucking expect anybody to actually read it. In fact I didn’t even new that this blog still existed. I write it because it feels better to put word to my shame, to somehow ease this giant feeling of regret that’s in my heart.
That was pretty much it.