I fucked up. Badly.

I never meant to do it, and I would never want to do it. It just happened. A girl I know, one of my closest and best friends, one of the few people in this world (outside my family) that I honestly love, did some things that she shouldn’t have done which led to a bad situation. For her, mind you, not me. I have no personal stake in this. It’s nothing that will have any negative effect on my life. But since I care about her and always try to give her the best and honest advice that I can, it was so fucking frustrating to see her slowly but surely make those decisions that led to this point. So I said something that I shouldn’t have said. I made her cry when she already was in a bad place emotionally. I said something that she never expected to hear from me, and I’m supposed to be her best friend. I’m the one she always turns to for advice and comfort away from everything else, and instead I lashed out.

I don’t know what will happen next. I have apologized so many times today that there really isn’t anything more I can say. Maybe she will forgive me and we will be friends again. Maybe she won’t and I am forever out of her life.

I don’t write this to expect some sympathy or supporting words. I don’t even fucking expect anybody to actually read it. In fact I didn’t even new that this blog still existed. I write it because it feels better to put word to my shame, to somehow ease this giant feeling of regret that’s in my heart.

That was pretty much it.

Kid Cudi feat Snoop – I Do My Thing

yeah we gettin’ hella high

Kid Cudi plus Snoop is a match made in hiphop-heaven.

Sometimes I want the sky to fall.

Sometimes I yearn for adventure.

Sometimes I dream of peace.

Sometimes I see beauty.

Sometimes I care.

Sometimes I have an answer.

But most of the time I just don’t know.

What else?

I hate winter. I want spring. Seriously winter is like a clingy one night stand.  

The Road not getting a single oscar-nomination is a fucking scandal.

… and something else but I gotta go so take care people!

The Rolling Stones - Shine a Light

Saw you stretched out in room Ten O Nine
With a smile on your face and a tear right in your eye
Couldn’t see to get a line on you
My sweet honey love

Berber jewlry jangling down the street
Make you shut your eyes at every woman that you meet
Couldn’t not seem to get a high on you
My sweet honey love

May the good lord shine a light on you
Make every song your favourite tune
May the good lord shine a light on you
Warm like the evening sun

Well, you’re drunk in the alley, baby
With your clothes all torn
And your late night friends
Leave you in the cold grey dawn
Just seemed too many flies on you
I just can’t brush them off

Angels beating all their wings in time
With smiles on their faces
And a gleam right in their eyes
Thought I heard one sigh for you
Come on up, come on up, now
Come on up, now

May the good lord shine a light on you
Make every song you sing your favourite tune
May the good lord shine a light on you
Warm like the evening sun

This night is going to be chill as shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA_9MoEyENU

… but otherwise things are pretty peachy.

Emancipator – Shook (Mobb Deep/Sigur Ros)

“I got you stuck off the realness – we be “The Infamous… ”
You heard of us! – Official Queens Bridge murderers.
The Mobb comes equipped with warfare, beware
Of my crime family who got nuff shots to share.
For all of those – who wanna profile and pose!
Rock you in your face, stab your brain with’ your nosebone.
You all alone in these streets, cousin.
Every man for theirself in this land we be gunnin’,
And keep them shook crews runnin’. Like they supposed to.
They come around but they never come close to
I can see it inside your face! And in the wrong place
Cowards like you just get they’re whole body laced up.
With bullet holes and such!
Speak the wrong words man and you will get touched.
You can put your whole army – against my team.
And I guarantee you it’ll be your very last time breathin’
Your simple words just don’t move me! – You’re minor!
We’re major! You all up in the game and don’t deserve to be a player
Don’t make me have to call your name out
Your crew is featherweight! My gunshots’ll make you levitate.
I’m only 19 but my mind is old,
And when the things get for real my warm heart turns cold.
Another nigga deceased – another story gets told!

I’m only 19 but my mind is old,
And when the things get for real my warm heart turns cold…”

I’m going back to school soon. Studying to be a high school teacher. It just feels right.

Almost everything this guy does is amazing but this song is one of his greatest.

Kid Cudi – The Prayer

Plain Pat what up? My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I’m thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while ’til I’m gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won’t
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral

My mind runs I can never catch it even if I got a head start
God please tell me I am feeling so alone way
I don’t need to worry ‘cuz I know the world’ll feel this nigga
Blessing in disguise but I am not hiding who I am open your eyes bro
If I ever met you, I appreciate the love yo
Girls that I dated, it’s ok I am not mad yo
Unless you stabbed me in the heart, no love ho, this shit is so ill
Play it back from the top if you recognize real

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
So please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul take
‘cuz I’m ready for a funeral (I’m ready for the funeral, I’m ready for the funeral)

This day, after eating dinner, I was sitting on the porch and smoking, and suddenly all the memories came crashing down on me. When we used to ditch class and stay home playing video games. All those long walks we used to take trough the neighbourhood where we grew up. Smoking weed in his mothers garage and listening to Smashing Pumpkins. Our argument over which was the better action movie, Face Off or Con Air? Standing around for hours in record shops, when those where still around. 

The last time we saw each other, we where drunk and the last thing I said was “Take care, man”. I really didn’t think much about him leaving when he did. But now it hit me.

I miss him. I miss that other friend that moved to Japan. Childhood friends are something special.

I miss them.